I always intend to...

But then I don't!

Blog, that is!

So...I just thought it was time to put all these thoughts down, no matter how random they are...

There have been many, many articles floating around the last several months on Facebook regarding motherhood and the way women tend to compare themselves and/or criticize one another, etc.  The list could go on and on about how judgemental and cruel we can be to one another as mothers. And maybe (probably) not verbally or directly to them...but usually in a more passively aggressive, gossipy, snarky jealous Facebook/Instagram/Twitterish kind of way. 

Or, in my opinion, the worst of them all, you just bash yourself in your own mind. Tell yourself how terrible you are, how so-and-so is so much better or they think they are so much better...yada-yada-yada. 

It's a brutal thing we do to one another or ourselves. 

I know for me, I can beat myself up for getting pregnant at 21, not finishing college, not going out and getting a fancy career making lots of money...or 

not waking up early and making myself beautiful before the sun comes up and then cooking a homemade, from scratch, breakfast every day for my family before they leave for school and work...or

maybe even scolding myself for not greeting each child at the door (or the bus stop) when they return from school with freshly baked cookies in hand. Or writing a special note and sticking it in their backpack or lunch box. 

I think about doing these. Sometimes I want to do some of these things, but I don't.  But then I think...where did I get all of these ideas anyway?  From my friends?  From TV?  My husband and kids don't ask me to do these things...although I'm sure they would enjoy the latter two! :)

I don't really know where I'm going with this...but I do know that I just want to be pleasing to God first and foremost. I want to live my life Biblically...pleasing to Him!  I do the things I do (crafting, decorating, organizing) because I love to do them. They make my heart happy and it is relaxing to me. Not because I want to show off or make someone jealous or compare or whatever. That is how God made ME. He didn't make ME to sit at a desk all day. He didn't give ME the desire in my heart to get up at 5 in the morning, roll my hair and paint my face up and cook biscuits and gravy from scratch, with all organic, gluten-free products that I produced myself (I don't even know if that's possible!). He didn't give ME the ability to do a million things that would be so cool to do...and that is awesome. He made me ME!  (ETA:  not criticizing if you do this...just saying its not MY thing or how God made ME!)

I have been so hard on myself for so many years and am just now realizing how to love myself... Learning to believe it when someone pays me a compliment has been one of the most healing things I've ever experienced. To not see a picture of myself and pick it apart, but to just look at it and see a beautiful person...it's freeing!  

But it's a daily choice...and some days I fall back into that rut.  It's not easy to break old habits...not easy at all!!!

God has opened my eyes to a lot the last few months and I'm excited...and sometimes fearful and resistant...but I'm enjoying the freeing moments that are happening when I relinquish control. 

This week, for the first time ever, I will start working on putting down on paper my "moral inventory". I'm praying this is another step in the direction of freeing myself from the bondage I've thrown myself in to because of past hurts in my life.  

I know God wants me to be free and to fully enjoy this life he has given me!

Growing pains...

The last 9 months have been a whirlwind!  Sometimes not the greatest, but we made it. 

Living in a hotel while starting the first day in a new school for my kiddos and me starting a new job on the same day. And then Derek going out of town the following 3 days...rough. And I was scared, but we made it. 

Then moving into an apartment for 5 months while our house was being built. 4 people, a dog, 2 bedrooms... and smoking neighbors...that argued and cursed at each other loudly and slammed lots of doors. Again, not fun...but we made it. 

And even though that was NOT an ideal situation, mostly for my children (the loud cursing), it bonded our little family and God provided for us greatly during that time. 

Somewhere in the middle of there we had an offer on our Borger house that subsequently fell through. Rough. 

Then the time came for us to close on our new house, YAY!!!, and 3 days before closing we find out..."oh yeah, you're approved...as long as you pay off one of your cars...cause we aren't counting Ember's income b/c she hasn't worked in 6 years. See you at closing!"

Rough...scary...ROUGH!

Ultimately, everything worked out...closed and moved into the new house with the car payed off. 

And then 2 weeks ago we finally sold out Borger house. 

Why, might you ask, do I tell you all of this?  First and foremost...NOT to complain!  I mean, would I have chosen, given the option, to have things go easier or more smoothly?  Maybe. But I've learned that it's not a punishment. I've learned that I can't have true growth without pain. 

Growing pains. 

And I've realized over the last few weeks that that is exactly what is going on. I'm being pulled and stretched. Yanked out of my comfort zone. And even though I know the outcome will be so sweet...I'm finding myself fighting it. 

*sigh*

I decided to google growing pains and see what the ole www had to say and a few things stuck out to me...one being that the pain can wake you in the middle of the night...crying out in pain. And that it happens, usually, around the ages where you're going from a toddler, to...well, not a toddler. Or the stage where you're hormones start going crazy and you're about to get out of that awkward tween stage to a full-fledge teenager!  Are you following me?

But the thing that stood out to me the most was this...

      "But those with growing pains respond differently — they feel better when they're held, massaged, and cuddled."

Just what I needed to read.  Fighting these growing pains or isolating myself to deal with them is not the answer. 

Amazing what a few moments alone with my Father can do. 

Scrapbooking stuff for sale

Here are pics:

Encourage one another (aka: some ramblings)

I will admit I am probably one of the world's worst encouragers! In fact, I am down right pathetic at it!
And I didn't even realize how terrible I was until Derek and I did a study on our love languages. His is words [of encouragement]. And I was NOT giving him that. A lot of the time I was doing the opposite! Yikes!!
So, I have really tried over the last few years to remedy that and be a better encourager. I have improved, but I still need work.
I actually get lessons from my 6 year old on a daily basis. He is an excellent encourager and fills us with positive, happy, encouraging compliments all the time.

This leads me to my thought today of why the enemy is so hell bent on discouraging me lately. I mean with a vengeance. I'm really hoping its because God has something really fantastic for us just around the corner. But even if He doesn't, I will continue to praise Him. Even if I have to continue to be put in a position of spiritual warfare, I will continue to put my hope in Him.

I realized this Sunday while visiting a new church, that I haven't been putting on the full armor. I don't even know if I've put ANY of it on. Satan sees my vulnerability...

I guess I just answered my own question... on my own blog...

Hmm.
Interesting...


P.S. don't forget to encourage your brothers and sisters today. Even if you think they have it all together.

P.S.S. thanks for always encouraging me little guy! 8)

Halfway point

I thought I would blog about my weight loss journey today! I was thinking about it today, probably in a non-positive manner b/c that's how I roll, and realized I was halfway to my initial goal of 70 lbs. And it made me feel a little better about myself! ;)

When I first decided it was time to change my life to be healthier, I realized I needed to lose 70 lbs and I thought that was NEVER going to be possible. That is like a whole 3rd grader or something, people!! But, I knew it had to be done. I knew waaaay before I actually started on the journey, but Dec 2010 was when the planets aligned and...or my heart and brain aligned?? I don't know exactly what happened, but it did. (stands on soapbox) And until that "a-ha" moment happens, you will NEVER be successful at true weight loss...or a healthier life...whatever you wanna call it. NEVER. THE END. PERIOD. (stands off of soapbox)
I dont have any science or whatever to back that up, just me. My gut (while smaller, still big) feeling.

Anywho, that moment really started when someone "tagged" me in a Facebook photo and I couldn't find myself. Because I was so fat and was in such denial, I didn't recognize myself anymore. I kinda played it off as just a bad angle, and whadaya know, a few months later and more tagged pictures...more bad angles?? Nope. Just a girl who had lost control, was miserable and felt like total crap all the time.

I wasn't a chubby kid. Wasn't a chubby teen. Wasn't a chubby college student. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and never gained weight. And then a tiny baby started growing in my belly and I managed to pack on 50+ lbs in 9 months. It was out of control. And b/c I was always so thin, everyone just blew it off and said not to worry about it...I would drop the baby weight soon enough...so I didn't worry about it! But it stayed, and stayed, and then more and more and then another baby and then some more and...well, you get the idea! Not pretty.

Soooo....I just started small, eating better, cutting processed foods an any other junk that was in my pantry. It was a slow and sometimes painful process. I began weighing and measuring everything I ate, cut all cokes, juice, etc. and just drank water only and (most days) one cup of coffee. I lost a few pounds.

I was disappointed.

A few months later I started couch to 5k (after seeing one of my FB friends trying it out) on the elliptical and I LOVED it! I lost some more pounds.

Feeling a little less disappointed.

Summer came and went and my exercise had dwindled and I decided it was time to do something else before I gained all the weight back, so I started seeing a trainer. (also after seeing and being inspired by another friend on FB). That was probably the best decision I made. I did that for 6 months and worked harder than I EVER had in my entire life. And I really didn't lose a lot of weight, but my body changed drastically! (PSA: don't let the scale determine your total loss...that whole gaining muscle thing messes with your mind)

Now I have a workout partner and that was another really great decision. I love her and I love exercising with her! That is sooo very important!! Do what you love with people you love!!

So I know this might be all over the place and kinda rambl-y...but j just wanted to get it all down. I've lost 35 pounds and I'm trying to be proud of myself...and my mind just tells me "it's been 18 months!! That's it!!!" but today, my heart said "be proud!! That's a BIG accomplishment!!".

My heart is so much nicer than my mind. Geeez.

*Sigh*

35 more to go...I sure hope it doesn't take another 18 months!! 8)

andddd even though it's embarrassing and I'm ashamed of what I used to look like...here is that first photo that changed it all...like where's Waldo, but where's Fatty?? 8)
Andddddd....photo #2...green sweater :P
(I can't get them in the right order! Sorry!!)

6 days to 6 years...

I don't really blog too often, meaning I don't have too many "followers", meaning I can just put it out all there knowing a zillion people aren't knowing my struggles...which today is one of those days...I'm struggling.
Not only is the 6 year anniversary of my mother's death creeping up, but a friend's mother passed away yesterday, and his story rang so similarly as mine...and it just elevated the already present memories flooding the fore-front of my mind. Every year, starting on this day, my brain just goes directly to "what I was doing "x" years ago on this day" (this "x" being 6). It's kinda annoying and morbid...but I honestly can't even help it. And as I pondered all of this today, I was overcome with the severest emotion that it had been six years...and, honestly, I do really good to be thankful for what has come from her death and try to be strong and stand tall and not talk about it...but not today. Call it a pity party, I don't really care, or whatever you like, but I'm having one.
And I just began weeping, or sobbing...the uglycantcatchmybreathsnoteverywhere cry. Awesome.
*sigh*
Mom...
6 years...
Since we spoke, hugged, laughed, cried.
6 years...
Without an argument, your momma prayers, your motherly advice, a ma-maw for my boys.
6 years...
Of having you to encourage me, pick me up and dust me off when I feel like I'm failing as a wife and mother.
6 years...
Of not having the luxury of picking up the phone and asking you about a childhood memory, what did you do, did I do that as a child, what did you put in that salad.
6 years...
Of healing and feeling stronger and then having a day like this when thoughts of how much I miss you takes my breath away. I can't breathe...

And ironically, I can't breathe because my love for her has grown even more than I ever imagined. I thought..."do I love her more in death than I did in life?" Which made me think of my Savior and how much the death on Earth of His son changed the meaning of my life. And just like that, my heart moves from pity party to thankfulness. And that's it. The tears quit watering my eyes and I have a "new song in my heart"...for today anyway. Or the week. Or maybe the minute. One step at a time...

And this year, instead of wallowing and feeling sorry for myself on May 5th I'm going to do a 5k with my hubby and oldest son. And not just any 5k, but it benefits child abuse and mom was abused as a child...and I think she would be proud of us for doing this for her. I wish she was going to be on the sidelines cheering us on...but she won't, and I'm ok with that.

And maybe this year I'll even try and enjoy Mother's Day. Maybe. ;)


Isn't she just so beautiful...

Love Jars

LOVED the idea Becky Dietz shared the other day of her friends blog for Valentines and I decided to do a modified version mixed with some ideas from another blogger and myself. I made the boys "love jars". They have little coupons in the brown envelopes (movie night, date with mom, etc) and in the jars are things we have written that we love about them. Mine are written on pink and Derek's are written on red and they will draw a red and a pink out each morning or at dinner...haven't decided yet. So they will get two uplifting words everyday!
Makes me want to be more intentional everyday, to tell them at least one thing I love about them everyday. I would like to think I do already, but sometimes the days are so busy and they zoom by, I'm not sure I havent missed some days here and there. Anywho, I hope this will be something they cherish and look forward to each year!
Here is the final product: