Blog, that is!
So...I just thought it was time to put all these thoughts down, no matter how random they are...
There have been many, many articles floating around the last several months on Facebook regarding motherhood and the way women tend to compare themselves and/or criticize one another, etc. The list could go on and on about how judgemental and cruel we can be to one another as mothers. And maybe (probably) not verbally or directly to them...but usually in a more passively aggressive, gossipy, snarky jealous Facebook/Instagram/Twitterish kind of way.
Or, in my opinion, the worst of them all, you just bash yourself in your own mind. Tell yourself how terrible you are, how so-and-so is so much better or they think they are so much better...yada-yada-yada.
It's a brutal thing we do to one another or ourselves.
I know for me, I can beat myself up for getting pregnant at 21, not finishing college, not going out and getting a fancy career making lots of money...or
not waking up early and making myself beautiful before the sun comes up and then cooking a homemade, from scratch, breakfast every day for my family before they leave for school and work...or
maybe even scolding myself for not greeting each child at the door (or the bus stop) when they return from school with freshly baked cookies in hand. Or writing a special note and sticking it in their backpack or lunch box.
I think about doing these. Sometimes I want to do some of these things, but I don't. But then I think...where did I get all of these ideas anyway? From my friends? From TV? My husband and kids don't ask me to do these things...although I'm sure they would enjoy the latter two! :)
I don't really know where I'm going with this...but I do know that I just want to be pleasing to God first and foremost. I want to live my life Biblically...pleasing to Him! I do the things I do (crafting, decorating, organizing) because I love to do them. They make my heart happy and it is relaxing to me. Not because I want to show off or make someone jealous or compare or whatever. That is how God made ME. He didn't make ME to sit at a desk all day. He didn't give ME the desire in my heart to get up at 5 in the morning, roll my hair and paint my face up and cook biscuits and gravy from scratch, with all organic, gluten-free products that I produced myself (I don't even know if that's possible!). He didn't give ME the ability to do a million things that would be so cool to do...and that is awesome. He made me ME! (ETA: not criticizing if you do this...just saying its not MY thing or how God made ME!)
I have been so hard on myself for so many years and am just now realizing how to love myself... Learning to believe it when someone pays me a compliment has been one of the most healing things I've ever experienced. To not see a picture of myself and pick it apart, but to just look at it and see a beautiful person...it's freeing!
But it's a daily choice...and some days I fall back into that rut. It's not easy to break old habits...not easy at all!!!
God has opened my eyes to a lot the last few months and I'm excited...and sometimes fearful and resistant...but I'm enjoying the freeing moments that are happening when I relinquish control.
This week, for the first time ever, I will start working on putting down on paper my "moral inventory". I'm praying this is another step in the direction of freeing myself from the bondage I've thrown myself in to because of past hurts in my life.
I know God wants me to be free and to fully enjoy this life he has given me!