Monday, April 30, 2012

6 days to 6 years...

I don't really blog too often, meaning I don't have too many "followers", meaning I can just put it out all there knowing a zillion people aren't knowing my struggles...which today is one of those days...I'm struggling.
Not only is the 6 year anniversary of my mother's death creeping up, but a friend's mother passed away yesterday, and his story rang so similarly as mine...and it just elevated the already present memories flooding the fore-front of my mind. Every year, starting on this day, my brain just goes directly to "what I was doing "x" years ago on this day" (this "x" being 6). It's kinda annoying and morbid...but I honestly can't even help it. And as I pondered all of this today, I was overcome with the severest emotion that it had been six years...and, honestly, I do really good to be thankful for what has come from her death and try to be strong and stand tall and not talk about it...but not today. Call it a pity party, I don't really care, or whatever you like, but I'm having one.
And I just began weeping, or sobbing...the uglycantcatchmybreathsnoteverywhere cry. Awesome.
*sigh*
Mom...
6 years...
Since we spoke, hugged, laughed, cried.
6 years...
Without an argument, your momma prayers, your motherly advice, a ma-maw for my boys.
6 years...
Of having you to encourage me, pick me up and dust me off when I feel like I'm failing as a wife and mother.
6 years...
Of not having the luxury of picking up the phone and asking you about a childhood memory, what did you do, did I do that as a child, what did you put in that salad.
6 years...
Of healing and feeling stronger and then having a day like this when thoughts of how much I miss you takes my breath away. I can't breathe...

And ironically, I can't breathe because my love for her has grown even more than I ever imagined. I thought..."do I love her more in death than I did in life?" Which made me think of my Savior and how much the death on Earth of His son changed the meaning of my life. And just like that, my heart moves from pity party to thankfulness. And that's it. The tears quit watering my eyes and I have a "new song in my heart"...for today anyway. Or the week. Or maybe the minute. One step at a time...

And this year, instead of wallowing and feeling sorry for myself on May 5th I'm going to do a 5k with my hubby and oldest son. And not just any 5k, but it benefits child abuse and mom was abused as a child...and I think she would be proud of us for doing this for her. I wish she was going to be on the sidelines cheering us on...but she won't, and I'm ok with that.

And maybe this year I'll even try and enjoy Mother's Day. Maybe. ;)


Isn't she just so beautiful...

7 comments:

Daniela Dobson said...

I am here, I read. Sending you one big hug. I will never forget the story you shared with me when we first met. She would be really proud. Good luck on your big 5K!

Anonymous said...

LOVE YOU ember!!! your mom is beautiful. She was another mother/mamaw to me. I remember having my first car wreck with your parents (hahah) they let me drive from church well before i was legal. your mom was so sweet and calm about it=) << where your daddy asked me if "i had lost my mind" haha>>>> I remember watching the dogs for them all the time:) I remember making bullets with your daddy. I remember mr. burger runs with your momma. I remember the only "life group friend" that was there for my mom, during my parents split was YOUR mom.. (she is still the only true friend my mom has ever had). I remember how sweet your parents love for one another was. I remember how much she loved her child and how proud she was to of y'all!!! i love you!! and your an amazing mother, wife, friend, daughter, and both your mother and your heavenly father are proud!!! <3 makenzie Forrest

Hope said...

Well, I'm crying big ugly tears with you right now. Thank you for sharing your heart. I wish I could give you a big hug. I barely knew your mom but the more I got to know you, the more I've felt like I got to know her too. Love you and miss you!

Elizabeth said...

I am praying for you dear friend. I tell Bobby how blessed he is to not know loss like we know (loss of a parent). It is the deepest of deep but also like you said it is what God uses to make us the tenderest of tenders toward others and to be able to minister, empathize, and feel (really) feel for others. I want to run that 5k too by the way! Me and Bobby were talking about it just a few days ago!!

Anonymous said...

Ember, Your mother would be so proud of the mother,wife you have become !! You are so much like her in so many ways....She will be cheering you on in your 5k,and papa too !! It has been 8 yrs as of April 6 th I still think of the same thing as you,it is so hard I just want to say that I love you and to are proud of you!!! Love Aunt Karla

Becky Dietz said...

Have you read the book Deadline by Randy Alcorn? It's a fiction book that forever changed my view of heaven. You have GOT to read it!! I can picture your mom singing over you and your boys right now. She was/is a special lady and loved you totally unconditionally. She's proud.

Becky Dietz said...

By the way....I have to believe she's in that great crowd of witnesses watching you and cheering you on today!