Not only is the 6 year anniversary of my mother's death creeping up, but a friend's mother passed away yesterday, and his story rang so similarly as mine...and it just elevated the already present memories flooding the fore-front of my mind. Every year, starting on this day, my brain just goes directly to "what I was doing "x" years ago on this day" (this "x" being 6). It's kinda annoying and morbid...but I honestly can't even help it. And as I pondered all of this today, I was overcome with the severest emotion that it had been six years...and, honestly, I do really good to be thankful for what has come from her death and try to be strong and stand tall and not talk about it...but not today. Call it a pity party, I don't really care, or whatever you like, but I'm having one.
And I just began weeping, or sobbing...the uglycantcatchmybreathsnoteverywhere cry. Awesome.
*sigh*
Mom...
6 years...
Since we spoke, hugged, laughed, cried.
6 years...
Without an argument, your momma prayers, your motherly advice, a ma-maw for my boys.
6 years...
Of having you to encourage me, pick me up and dust me off when I feel like I'm failing as a wife and mother.
6 years...
Of not having the luxury of picking up the phone and asking you about a childhood memory, what did you do, did I do that as a child, what did you put in that salad.
6 years...
Of healing and feeling stronger and then having a day like this when thoughts of how much I miss you takes my breath away. I can't breathe...
And ironically, I can't breathe because my love for her has grown even more than I ever imagined. I thought..."do I love her more in death than I did in life?" Which made me think of my Savior and how much the death on Earth of His son changed the meaning of my life. And just like that, my heart moves from pity party to thankfulness. And that's it. The tears quit watering my eyes and I have a "new song in my heart"...for today anyway. Or the week. Or maybe the minute. One step at a time...
And this year, instead of wallowing and feeling sorry for myself on May 5th I'm going to do a 5k with my hubby and oldest son. And not just any 5k, but it benefits child abuse and mom was abused as a child...and I think she would be proud of us for doing this for her. I wish she was going to be on the sidelines cheering us on...but she won't, and I'm ok with that.
And maybe this year I'll even try and enjoy Mother's Day. Maybe. ;)
Isn't she just so beautiful...
