Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Broken Record

That is kinda how I feel every New Year.  I'm always feeling rejuvinated.  Ready for life changing events.  Ready to take on the world.  Ready, ready, ready.  And then somewhere along the way I lose all my steam and fall flat on my face.  I pick myself up and start over, but with much less enthusiasm and drive, which starts the vicious cycle.  Stumble.  Fall.  Get up.  Start over.  Stumble.  Fall.  Get up.  Start over...etc, etc, etc.  And then by October, I've beaten myself up so much for failing, I can barely look at myself in the mirror. 

WOW!  How depressing!! :P

Yes, it is depressing.  BUT...yes, BUT...I'm feeling different this year.  I can't really explain it, but I do.  And I had already started feeling different before the New Year rolled around, so, honestly, it really has nothing to do with the NEW YEAR RESOLUTION mumbo jumbo I try to force myself into believing I'm gonna do every year.  I start the year out knowing I'm going to fail.  This year, I'm not going to fail.  Not only because I've completely changed my "woe is me attitude", but I'm not making any resolutions.  This has nothing to do with New Year and everything to do with New Ember. 

Another reason this is different is because of my husband, Derek.  Anytime we hit a wall and decide enough is enough, the other one is on a completely different page.  It is almost impossible to change if your spouse is not ready to or unable to give you the support you need.  We had some epiphanies over the Christmas break.  Some good, some eye-opening and some a little depressing.  But Derek said it best...He said, "This is it, Honey.  It's now or never.  We talk about it every year and our lives never change.  This is it.  NOW or NEVER." 

Whew...I feel like a weight has been lifted and I'm taking charge of my life and MY decisions.  No more feeling sorry for myself.  No more pity parties.  No more blame game. 

For the last three years I have participated in OLW.  2009 was PREPARE.  2010 was CHANGE.  2011 is RELAX. 


–verb (used with object)
1.  to make less tense, rigid, or firm; make lax: to relax the muscles.
2.  to diminish the force of.
3.  to slacken or abate, as effort, attention, etc.
4.  to make less strict or severe, as rules, discipline, etc.: to relax the requirements for a license.
5.  to release or bring relief from the effects of tension, anxiety, etc.: A short swim always relaxes me.
–verb (used without object)
6.  to become less tense, rigid, or firm.
7.  to become less strict or severe; grow milder.
8.  to reduce or stop work, effort, application, etc., esp. for the sake of rest or recreation.
9.  to release oneself from inhibition, worry, tension, etc.
And I'm not just saying RELAX as in take it easy.  I need to RELAX my grip on my life and let God take control.  I need to RELAX my heart and open it up for more He has to offer.  I need to RELAX my brain from worry.  I need to RELAX and have fun with life.  I need to RELAX and listen, be still.  Less of me, more of Him. 
  25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?
   28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Seek HIM first, not me...HIM!!!

I'm also going to RELAX about my blog posts.  I always stress about it being enjoyable to others or the most entertaining and intersting.  Not so much anymore.  I can't promise that I'm going to have a blog post everyday, or every week or even every month.  But I do miss blogging.  And after reading about a young mom that was killed in a car accident in my area over the break and seeing that she had a blog...a blog that she kept up with for her young children to be able to go to and see what thier momma had to say about them on a particular priceless.  Nothing I will stress about, but just a little piece of life to share and have documented. 

Sorry I've rambled on for so long.  I do have pictures and stuff to share.  But I think I will leave that for next time.


Becky Dietz said...

Oh---I already love the new you!!

Dania said...

awesome Ember! I'm excited to see what 2011 holds for you and Derek! I already love the new you too! :D

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